I've been really emotional recently. It's pretty obvious I believe.
I'm so tired of everything.
I'm not trying to seek attention or anything. I just have feelings that I want to burst out, I have words that I wish I could shout out, I want people to hear me, I want the people who those words are for to notice, to realise, to listen and understand how I feel.
I'm really tired. I've been pleasing people. I've tried my best to keep everyone i love with me. I've been putting a lot of effort in saving relationships, I've been trying so hard to make people understand how much i love and appreciate them.
They just don't understand, don't they?
I've been crying a lot.
My weakness, my biggest fear, is losing the people i love.
I don't know what else can i do to make people understand how much i love them, how hard i've tired to makes things work out even when things don't, how depressed i am when they treat me like this. I don't know why am i doing all this, but i know i can't afford to lose anyone.
A,
I know i've been really busy these days, I have no time for you, for a chat at all. You get to blame me for being busy, it's my fault for making our relationship like this. You never know i've been trying very, very hard to remain things, to make things better.
" hey, i miss you. "
" you actually remember me? "
What's that about? I tried to have a simple chat with you, i put effort to make the conversation going. Don't you see that? I am busy, and it's not a choice, okay? I don't have a choice. You always tell me we haven't been chatting for awhile, things changed. I know that, and that's why i tried to make things better whenever i get the chance to talk to you. Guess it's not appreciated. All i got was,
" wow, you actually remember me? "
" hmm, i'm kinda busy right now "
" err it's awkward, so i didn't reply. "
I don't know how many times my heart had been broken by those little words.
I'm not weak, i just didn't see that coming from people i care about, after trying so hard.
B,
I don't know what else can i do. I always feel that i'm not that important as i think i am to you. The difference between the way you treat me and the way you treat others is just so way obvious. i always thought you would see me in the way i see you - number one among all friends. But it's shown that i was wrong. I was never the first place. All this while i thought i could be the first person you'd think of when you need someone, the one you get to share everything and problems with, i was wrong. I never had the chance. I'm not who i think i am, i don't know my position in your heart, but i'm am very, very sure i'll never be in the first place, never. I did try to win a different spot in your heart, but i can see you rejecting and rejecting me all the time. i don't even know why am i trying. I just love you so much. And i wish you would understand that, from day 1 i started to treat you like the very best friend of mine.
C,
I miss you. We used to chat till late midnight, endlessly. I spent most of my holidays with you, and I had a lot of fun with you. I don't care about what people say, whether you're a fake when you're with me or not, whether you treat me with your heart or not, i just love you, i love a friend like you. Guess things changed this year. I'll be there whenever you're down, whenever you need a pat on the back, but it seems like you're pushing my hand away, you're rejecting what i'm doing for you, or you probably just don't see how much i care for you. I miss you, I miss the old us.
D,
You, the one who made me so miserable. You're my best friend, you know? I tell you everything, you're like a stress ball to me, i can just release everything on you when I need to burst out. I can cry in front of you, I can tell you everything in my heart, I can tell you secrets, I can tell you how i feel. As a friend, i loved you, i really loved you. I even felt blessed that I get to have someone like you to be my friend. But things just changed, so quickly. I wasn't even ready to accept the fact, and it just happened. You're like a different person now. You turned into someone i don't know, into some stranger i'm afraid to talk to.
I never thought I'd lose a friend like you. No, not that fast.
E,
Hmmm, you? I don't know what else can I do for you. It's been 1 year, i've been trying really hard to make you happy. i tried my best not to tell you what i feel inside, what i really wanted to say. I tried to make you happy and hold back as much as i can, just because i don't want to bring up a fight. There was this period when i wondered are we lovers or are we friends, or worst, are we enemies. We've been fighting so much, i can't even remember feeling love from you anymore. I've been trying to make things right for uncountable times, and it seems like i'm the only one trying and trying and making effort to save this relationship. Once things work out lil, you'll give me a reason to make me want to give up again. I'm tired. I can't always please you, I can't always get you what you want and be who you want me to be, i'm not a superhero. I want to feel loved too, i need someone to make me feel appreciated too. And i wish you would do this for me, you know?
I tried too hard. I tried so hard i want to give up.
But i notice there are new people coming into my life. People who treat me really nice. It feels like God's trying to replace them with them.
But i don't want any of them to be replaced, no matter who's replacing them. I don't want that.
please don't make me feel so unloved anymore, please?
